I’ve been learning to be gentler with my soul, by not forcing myself to be productive all the time.
As for me, the past few years was really something. I learned to get out of my comfort zone. I really wanted to develop myself and improve every aspect of my life, be it personality, grades, non-academic achievements, social life, I really went all out to grow. I changed a lot by doing a lot back then.
However, I got a mental breakdown by the end of 2019 and everything fell apart. I suffered from depression and anxiety. It was really hard for me to get up in the morning, let aside getting my work done. Every morning felt like a nightmare that I wished I didn’t have to face. However, life must go on.
Even though everything felt like a burden, I didn’t let myself take a rest. I wanted to get back in the mood of working and studying, but the more I force myself, the more I get stressed out and anxious. Slowly, even the most enjoyable thing I used to like felt like an obligation. I didn’t have any energy to wake up but sleeping gives too much guilt.
Did I get any benefit from doing so? Unfortunately, no. I didn’t rest because I wanted to be productive, but the only thing I got was exhaustion while having little to none work done. My performance was awful.
“Auru, you need to stop being like this.”
Later on, I decided to let go of my expectations and gave myself time to heal. I decided to focus on my well-being before I start to take another opportunity. I had to get better first. I had to make myself a priority.
I cut off some activities I used to do. I didn’t try anything new. Technically, I almost did nothing besides school. I gave myself more free time to do nothing. I let myself took some rest while learning how to take better care of myself. I let my soul heal and accept who I am with all I have.
Slowly but surely, I can pick myself up piece by piece. I finally can love myself a little more, and I am able to learn from things that have been happening. I also try to accept that life has its own timing, and I don’t have to force anything
Now I’m trying to stand up and go away from that dark place. As I get better, I try to open myself up to the brand new experiences waiting ahead. However, I won’t rush myself to get back on track. I learn to be gentler with myself, by not rushing, by not forcing anything.
Sometimes, taking a break means taking time to start over when everything is too much to handle. It’s okay for doing nothing, sometimes. It’s okay to let yourself rest.
Well, as for me, I didn’t know how much I can learn from simply doing nothing. But now I realize, it’s completely worth it.