Sometimes, It’s Okay for Not Doing Anything

I’ve been learning to be gentler with my soul, by not forcing myself to be productive all the time.

As for me, the past few years was really something. I learned to get out of my comfort zone. I really wanted to develop myself and improve every aspect of my life, be it personality, grades, non-academic achievements, social life, I really went all out to grow. I changed a lot by doing a lot back then.

However, I got a mental breakdown by the end of 2019 and everything fell apart. I suffered from depression and anxiety. It was really hard for me to get up in the morning, let aside getting my work done. Every morning felt like a nightmare that I wished I didn’t have to face. However, life must go on.

Even though everything felt like a burden, I didn’t let myself take a rest. I wanted to get back in the mood of working and studying, but the more I force myself, the more I get stressed out and anxious. Slowly, even the most enjoyable thing I used to like felt like an obligation. I didn’t have any energy to wake up but sleeping gives too much guilt.

Did I get any benefit from doing so? Unfortunately, no. I didn’t rest because I wanted to be productive, but the only thing I got was exhaustion while having little to none work done. My performance was awful.

“Auru, you need to stop being like this.”

Later on, I decided to let go of my expectations and gave myself time to heal. I decided to focus on my well-being before I start to take another opportunity. I had to get better first. I had to make myself a priority.

I cut off some activities I used to do. I didn’t try anything new. Technically, I almost did nothing besides school. I gave myself more free time to do nothing. I let myself took some rest while learning how to take better care of myself. I let my soul heal and accept who I am with all I have.

Slowly but surely, I can pick myself up piece by piece. I finally can love myself a little more, and I am able to learn from things that have been happening. I also try to accept that life has its own timing, and I don’t have to force anything

Now I’m trying to stand up and go away from that dark place. As I get better, I try to open myself up to the brand new experiences waiting ahead. However, I won’t rush myself to get back on track. I learn to be gentler with myself, by not rushing, by not forcing anything.

Sometimes, taking a break means taking time to start over when everything is too much to handle. It’s okay for doing nothing, sometimes. It’s okay to let yourself rest.

Well, as for me, I didn’t know how much I can learn from simply doing nothing. But now I realize, it’s completely worth it.

– Auru

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