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Year of Hell

Hi guys!

I’m back 😅

It has been a really long time since I stopped blogging. My life was really overwhelming this year, I needed to study hard for national university selection, and I didn’t have time to write. But now, I’ve done (almost) all of them! Yay!!

The result will be announced on July 3rd. Wish me luck!

12th grade was really something for me. Started from the first semester, that might be the worst condition of my life. I didn’t really enjoy my classmates, it didn’t mean that I don’t like them, I just didn’t really know how to interact. I, silently, was really lonely. And I couldn’t catch up on the subjects, especially math, physics, and biology. I don’t like being in the science class. It was really frustrating.

12th grade was the time when I started taking an additional course to prepare a university test. I would like to go to social majors at university. It meant that I need to study social, which contrary to the class I was in. But social class started on 2nd semester. I needed to study science for the 1st semester. I was really bad at physics. I couldn’t relate the matters. And I really didn’t like my physics teacher on the course’s teaching way. He was angry at the student who couldn’t catch up on his class. His voice was really loud, and it made me felt like studying under pressure. It didn’t help my physics at all.

Okay, actually, I was really traumatized that day. I was really scared of physics even though I hadn’t read the questions yet. My heart was racing, my body was trembling, and I started to cry for no reason.

That was such a horrible month. I was really depressed. I felt like such a coward, shit, idiot, and I lost all my confidence.

My life started to find it’s light in late 2017 (or early 2018). I promised myself not to stressed out anymore, being more healthy, and embracing myself for who I really am.

I started not to stressed out anymore with school stuff (especially science subjects) since it didn’t really matter for me. I started to devoting on sbmptn, and slowly my life was getting better.

Social courses weren’t really easy, especially when you have too little time to study, but you need to master them all. But somehow, I really loved the matters. I mean, I like the feels of finding “oh!” moments on it, and it made me enjoy the process. And my score was getting better and better. I finally found my happiness. And everything went well.

The national test was coming, and I stopped learn social to prepare all the last school tests (even though I didn’t study). I decided not to cheat, and it made my tests really overwhelming when all of my friends were cheating. I didn’t get the perfect score, but that was my effort.

After school ended, I started to devote all my power to sbmptn. I studied from 8 am until 7 pm on my course, and at 2 am I already woke up to study until 7 am, then I went to the course.

I had quite a good score that day, but one more problem was coming.

I didn’t like math.

I usually only could solve 5-7 of 15 questions, while my friends could answer them all perfectly. It made me felt down, stupid, and decreased my self-confidence significantly.

So many ups and downs, and finally the time had come. I was really tired to study anymore, and finally, I give in the rest 4 days before the test.

Something that I had learned is you don’t have to force yourself mastering things you don’t really like. You’re gifted, but you aren’t perfect. Just focus on your strength and beat them all. I don’t like math, and science, so what? I don’t really need to master them all survive. They’re important, but maybe not for me. I chose to focus on things I can do, I would love to do, and being the person I want me to be as long as it’s good for me and others. I don’t need to be perfect tho.

So, be thankful to yourself. You aren’t stupid only because you can’t solve chemistry or physics. You have everything you need to survive your life and be the best version of you.

If that really matters, work for it. Give your best on it. But if it’s not, don’t waste your energy. Focus on what worth your time.

Lastly,

Do what feels right, trust your instincts. Live life the way you want to. No one else can control it like you

Auru

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